Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
