Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
