I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize