just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
