U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
