I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
