Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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