Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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