Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
