Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
