i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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