You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
