the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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