i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
