She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
