Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
