at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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