so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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