she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
