did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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