if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize