you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
