I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
this is an emotional support booty call
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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