One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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