i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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