I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
