if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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