I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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