oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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