Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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