once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
