It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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