I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize