her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
