And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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