Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
