i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
