I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
