a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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