the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
