Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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