sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We are all done wearing pants today
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
