I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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