sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize