i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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