drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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