Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
