I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
