my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
