you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize