I think I died a long time ago.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
