No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
