So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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